Part memoir, part parenting book, part information on LGBTQ+ issues, How We Do Family: From Adoption to Trans Pregnancy, What We Learned About Love and LGBTQ Parenthood by Trystan Reese is not only an educational book full of resources, it’s a compelling story about love and family.
I can’t remember the last time I read a memoir that I didn’t want to put down, but How We Do Family instantly grabbed me and kept my attention throughout. The book begins with how Trystan met Biff, how after being together just a year they began to care for Biff’s nephew and niece who were being removed from their home due to issues of abuse and neglect. After becoming “accidental parents” Trystan and Reese decided to expand their family by having a biological child that Trystan, a transgender man, carried and gave birth to.
Reese’s level tone balances the deeply personal experiences (both his own and his family’s) in a way that I gravitated to. I loved how he demonstrated how he and his husband handled disagreements, and how they dealt with challenging situations with their kids. This book is incredibly informative without info-dumping or being preachy. Reese fully addresses many of the tougher questions and issues he and his family had faced including trans pregnancy and fertility, navigating the child welfare system while in a queer relationship, going public with the story of his family and pregnancy, battling transphobic hate, and assigning a gender to his son at birth. I appreciated how Reese explained where he was coming from so that I understood why he made the choices he did, even when he (admittedly) didn’t make good choices or it wasn’t initially clear to me where he was coming from.
This book is also a wealth of information about how to parent and interact with children who have experienced trauma, as well as how to discuss transphobia and homophobia in a developmentally appropriate way.
It feels slightly odd to put a star rating on a memoir, because who wants to rate someone’s life experience? But putting that aspect aside and examining how compelling and readable the story was, as well as how much I learned and felt inspired, I am giving this book 5/5 stars.
How We Do Family: From Adoption to Trans Pregnancy, What We Learned About Love and LGBTQ Parenthood releases June 29, 2021. I received an advanced copy from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
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